Hobo Joe and How Not to Look Like One

Posted on July 15, 2014 by The Angry Unicorn

Angry Unicorn here, and if you ever got the chance to look at my instagram you’d see that there’s one thing I like to make cufflinks about and that’s moustaches and facial hair. Because when you wanna be a badass like me and aren’t lucky enough to be a Unicorn, boo hoo to you, then guys can only come close with a good set of facial hair.

Now I don’t mean that Shaggy Doo scruff you grew this morning on your chin while flexing your tired flabby arms in the mirror. I’m talking about a real set of manly fur. But there’s a trick to wearing facial hair so you don’t look like a hobo or get thrown into the woods to rejoin your lumberjack kin.

Step one, trim it so we can see your mouth when you talk.

Because seriously, if you’re rocking a moustache like one of these from the I moustache you a question cufflinks, then we can see you smile, frown, or do those things you people do cause you don’t have a unicorn horn like mine. The full beard covering the mouth look is only for Santa Claus, Gandalf, or those cranky old guys shaking their brooms and threatening the invisible lawn gnomes invading his yard. Unless you are a wizard, fat guy, or crazy old bastard, then by all means grow it out until you look like Father Time.

Step two, clean the damn thing and keep it clean.

Because even knowing that Real Men wear moustaches, it defeats the point if you got enough crumbs in your beard to have lunch for a month. That pisses me off and makes you look bad that some of you can walk around with mustard stains in your beard. That’s not bad ass, that’s just frickin bad. If your beard is thick enough that you can stroke it thoughtfully, then it’s going to catch anything that crumbles, leaks, or drips near your mouth.

I am fully aware of the obvious joke and I don’t give a rat’s.

Step three, you are rocking facial hair, enjoy it.

Seriously, you should be so comfortable with your hair that you can wear the thing and not feel out of place wherever you go, whether you’re on a date, at the job, or just having coffee. This set of Moustache and Coffee cufflinks I made even say that. I know the in thing is to wear stuff that you think makes you look good but you don’t even like, but that makes you a damn idiot. A badass doesn’t need to do anything they aren’t willing to do and that they don’t wanna do. It’s bad enough some of you gotta go to a job every day you can’t even stand, why add having an itchy thing on your lip and chin that you don’t even like.

Here’s the point. Facial hair rocks, if you want it to.

Posted in beard, hipster, hobo, moustache