Put down the beer and pay attention!
Because I’m from the mythical land of awesome, I get asked a lot of questions. Stupid things like, what’s the meaning of life (Answer: Not being you), why are people miserable (Answer: Are they ever miserable when you leave?), or what do I want for dinner (Answer: Food, idiot!).
When this happens, I give them a look in the eye and say, “Go climb a mountain and ask the guru at the top and they’ll call you an idiot for wasting their time with crap that doesn’t matter!” Unless they just decide to chuck you off. But maybe they won’t, maybe I’m just imagining the best case scenario.
But I see you with those tears in your eye. Sniffling and snorting and looking even uglier.
“Uni”, you say, “it’s not my fault I’m so disgustingly human.”
Then I shrug and see that my stock of rainbow sprinkles is low and figure, “Hey, you’re right. It’s your parents’ fault for bumping literal uglies.”
So, I look at you and say, “I won’t answer those stupid questions of yours, let me answer something that matters. Let me tell you the secrets of shopping for guys.”
Shopping for guys, isn’t about just buying stuff that will be used. If you want to really hit the cool guy button, you have only one choice really. Come to my website, Unicuffs.com and look around. You’ll see something that will make even the biggest idiot look stylish and cool. Yes, even that guy!
Now, the way I see it, Awesome guys come in a whole range of options and backgrounds, even if I lump you all into the category of humans-with-taste-enough-to-buy-from-me.
For the lush who drinks like a champ or the lightweight that passes out after the first drink, we have the I have a drinking problem set of cufflinks. Best part is, if you tell them what the set is called, it works as both a joke and an admission of guilt, or as a snazzy way of introducing yourself to your AA meeting. Step one: Show the Cuffs. Step two: Say your name.
What about geeks and dorks who are into the vintage stuff? Who remember that Gameboys lasted for a hundred hours to the battery because they are stupid and tested it out or do online review shows of games from the 80s. Hand them these Tetris blocks cuffs. Bonus points if you can do that Russian squat dance upon delivery without breaking your knees (points do nothing so it’s on your dumb behind if you bust your knees).
What about guys who aren’t into spending money? Well that doesn’t do anything for the world. Send them over to Bond47.com and pick out a pair of classy (if not forged by unicorn magic) cufflinks. It won’t refill my sparkle and fluff inventory, but if you pick up, say the Arc-de-triomphe cufflinks, you get to put some money into needy hands.
That’s fricking magical.