Did you get anything for the guy who spawned your dumb behind this past Father's Day? Your father, good guy that he is, went to a lot of trouble to create and raise you; from not pulling out, to now elbow dropping you when you were a smart ass teen, to whatever the hell else he does for you.
Don’t be an idiot and get him a tie, he’s already got 20. Don’t be a dummy and get him a lap dance, his spouse will kill him! Get him some cufflinks!
The Pierrefonds set from Bond47 are a great start. A simple set of contrasting semi-circle colors that matches the difference between you and your old man. If you wanna be corny, you could say that wearing those means you always got his back like he had yours. If you really wanna sell the father’s day gift thing, have a donation sent to provide relief for a cancer-stricken kid, like the time he slapped the steak on your black eye that one time you lost a fight.
Maybe your dad is the kind of guy you still see time to time, for poker or blackjack or board games. Then why not get him the Musee Picasso set of cufflinks. It looks like a blue and gold card table making it colorful enough to go well with a lot of weekend wear. Cause sometimes your dad doesn’t want to be all serious and wants to show off. So let him, and tell him how your gift also helped give a kid some major surgery to change their life for the better. “Just like you made my life better” you could tell him before he wonders if you’re about to cry.
But maybe you got one of those smart dads who plays chess and checkers all the frickin’ time. He’ll never beat a master of the game like me, but maybe you wanna put him up to the challenge or remind him of his favorite hobby. Then you can’t go wrong with these cufflinks I came up with called, Get Out, Kasparov! You got a knight, probably your dad, and a pawn, that would be you. As he’s whupping you in four moves again, you could tell him that “thanks to you dad, one day I may become a queen.” Don’t blame me if you say that and he laughs at you.
But seriously, do something for your old man that he’d like, that he’d find kinda cool, and isn’t a Damned Tie! Seriously, you know what that says, that you’re too damn lazy to come up with a better idea or that you don’t even care.
Angry Unicorn here, and if you ever got the chance to look at my instagram you’d see that there’s one thing I like to make cufflinks about and that’s moustaches and facial hair. Because when you wanna be a badass like me and aren’t lucky enough to be a Unicorn, boo hoo to you, then guys can only come close with a good set of facial hair.
Now I don’t mean that Shaggy Doo scruff you grew this morning on your chin while flexing your tired flabby arms in the mirror. I’m talking about a real set of manly fur. But there’s a trick to wearing facial hair so you don’t look like a hobo or get thrown into the woods to rejoin your lumberjack kin.
Step one, trim it so we can see your mouth when you talk.
Because seriously, if you’re rocking a moustache like one of these from the I moustache you a question cufflinks, then we can see you smile, frown, or do those things you people do cause you don’t have a unicorn horn like mine. The full beard covering the mouth look is only for Santa Claus, Gandalf, or those cranky old guys shaking their brooms and threatening the invisible lawn gnomes invading his yard. Unless you are a wizard, fat guy, or crazy old bastard, then by all means grow it out until you look like Father Time.
Step two, clean the damn thing and keep it clean.
Because even knowing that Real Men wear moustaches, it defeats the point if you got enough crumbs in your beard to have lunch for a month. That pisses me off and makes you look bad that some of you can walk around with mustard stains in your beard. That’s not bad ass, that’s just frickin bad. If your beard is thick enough that you can stroke it thoughtfully, then it’s going to catch anything that crumbles, leaks, or drips near your mouth.
I am fully aware of the obvious joke and I don’t give a rat’s.
Step three, you are rocking facial hair, enjoy it.
Seriously, you should be so comfortable with your hair that you can wear the thing and not feel out of place wherever you go, whether you’re on a date, at the job, or just having coffee. This set of Moustache and Coffee cufflinks I made even say that. I know the in thing is to wear stuff that you think makes you look good but you don’t even like, but that makes you a damn idiot. A badass doesn’t need to do anything they aren’t willing to do and that they don’t wanna do. It’s bad enough some of you gotta go to a job every day you can’t even stand, why add having an itchy thing on your lip and chin that you don’t even like.
Here’s the point. Facial hair rocks, if you want it to.
In the land of Unicornia, everything I do isn’t just about making money for fairy sprinkles and elf cookies, especially since elf cookies taste like cardboard. Sometimes, we gotta get serious and real.
Before you say I’m going soft, I’m here to tell you why some of the crap you do doesn’t help. Like, you probably get emails or have someone flashing a petition in your face saying, “Sign this page and we can save a tree in Kansas.” Cause that crap doesn’t help! That’s just something you do if you wanna be that one girl from that one Whedon musical.
Hell, you ever stop and ask why you print pamphlets no one reads on paper, if you’re trying to save a tree? Good job genius, you killed a tree to save a tree.
No, you wanna do something that matters to somebody. Something that makes a difference besides wasting everyone’s time. If you’re not gonna get badass cufflinks from me, then head on over to Bond47 and check out their stuff.
Start with the Le Marais Cufflinks. It’s got a slick and sleek design that goes great for events like a prom or a classy company dinner or awards ceremony. A buddy of mine got these and had the donation money sent to foster a bear and put that much more into the effort to stop unethical bear bile farming. Yeah you heard that right, there are some idiots that wanna cage and mistreat bears to collect their puke for medicine and other junk.
But maybe you’re the type of guy who cares more about people. That’s legit, long as you see Unicorns as people (but not dolphins. Screw those guys). Check out the Louvre Cufflinks and set your donation to provide assistance to a human trafficking survivor. Fitting that your purchase of a grey and black set of cufflinks, honoring the works of your greatest artists, would also support some of your most tragic victims.
What about the bare necessities? It's the little things that we all need regardless of where we live. Let me show off the Pantheon Cufflinks, which is a big name for a set of links shaped like a styling set of globes. Wearing these shows your commitment to being ethically responsible and not being a douche--you can even feed a child in Liberia, Haiti, or South Sudan for six months with these cufflinks. What’s better for the world than making sure the world’s future doesn’t starve?
Some people piss me off because they make a mess of a world. But guys like you reading this right now, who wanna make a difference. We’re solid. If you want cufflinks and don’t wanna buy my badass mismatched cufflinks, then think about Bond47. Cause nothing’s more badass then giving a damn and doing something to make things better.
Angry Unicorn here, and if you buy only hot drinks so you can drink them before they get cool, you might be a hipster in training. If you get offended by Photoshops of Disney Princesses with thick glasses claiming to like bands just cause you never heard of them, then you’re a hipster who can’t take a joke. But maybe you’re a poser who just wants to look like one cause they’re kinda in right now.
Whatever, I don’t care what you humans do, but let me give you a guide on how to look the part.
First, you gotta get yourself a shirt with French Button cuffs and then find the ugliest Charlie Brown sweater you can find and toss that on over it. Grow out your beard if you can and get those thick rim glasses you found at the thrift store on. Now you’re ready to hiss at things that are popular and complain about things sucking now that they’re popular.
But wait, what about those cuffs. If you don’t link them up then you’re going to look like a hobo. Well, let’s take a look at some good choices for the Hipster lifestyle.
If you’re the type who wants to raise a message against the one percent, then hey, why not rock these White Collar Criminals cufflinks. When people ask you can say, “I’m not a part of the system but I’m going to look good to spite them.” You know what? If you have a tiny little molding knife, you could even make an etch in them every time you read about one of these rich dudes getting caught doing illegal stuff so that you can impress absolutely no one.
But maybe you wanna point out the facial hair you’ve been growing and get random strangers to ask where you like to go for a cup of joe. Then here’s a set I call Moustache and Coffee Cup. Cause growing out your facial hair and getting an awesome moustache or beard is even better when it gets in the way of your coffee. Thrill when you dip that six month growth into your Café Vinte Vanilla Cappucino and have to wonder if the hair you found is yours or not.
Hey, what about the true hallmark of the Hipster look, the attitude that you’re in on a secret that no one else is. Then, feast your eyes on the Villette set of Cufflinks from the guys at Bond47. Rock these when you’re wearing those Ninja Turtles buttons over your ensemble and when asked where you got these or what the design means, just look them dead in the eye and say. “I got these from a website, but you never heard of it and they’re talking about this place in France that you’ve never been to.”
So rock that look Hipster or Hipster wannabe! You’re welcome!
You know what time it is?
Yeah it’s who-cares-o’clock but that’s not important. It’s time to do something nice and give a gift to the guy who’s been there helping you out. You know who I’m talking about? Maybe it’s your dad helping you move after you got kicked out of another apartment for partying hard and puking on the landlord. Or maybe it’s a friend who bailed you out of prison because you were holding something for them. Whatever the case, get them something that matters.
Now I know the common picks and let me tell you, you’re wrong. Don’t be a dummy!
Maybe you were thinking of a new grill. That’s a great pick if you want them to smell like charcoal to wear dumbass aprons that say “Kiss the Cook.” Do you really want to help them look like a prick?
Besides, think about your friend near an open flame.
If you’re laughing right now then you know better.
Forget that crap and get them a set of dog and hotdog cufflinks. It’s like he’s going out to a picnic but without entrusting a small animal’s life to him. A great idea, especially if he’s the type to wonder if fish get drunk and decides to replace the water with Coors Light.
But Angry, you might say, what about a watch? Everyone wants to know what time it is.
Alright true but you’re still WRONG!
Dig into your pocket. If you got an IPhone, another smart phone, or laptop in it (how the hell did that last one fit?) then you probably got ten ways to tell the time already. Sides, if your friend is the stay at home type who can’t get his head outta video games, then you don’t get him a watch. Cause then people might talk to him and ask for the time and he’ll hate you making him interact, you jerk!
No, what you want to do is to get them the Le Défenseur du Temps set of cufflinks from Bond47. It’s got gears like a clock, it’s classy as a diamond rock, and it won’t piss you off by going tick tock all damn day. You can even make it so you give a poor family in India drinkable water for a year. If your friend is the gamer type, tell him it’s Mountain Dew so that he’ll understand.
But maybe you’re thinking of setting him up with a cruise. He could get good food, get waited on hand and foot, and maybe get some action.
Let me level with you. Cruises are expensive and your buddy might just end up throwing up the entire time from seasickness…or drinking too much. Probably both!
No, get them a set of Sailor Cufflinks and tell him “You’re the cap’n make it happen.” Just get ready for him to do the Captain Morgan Pose or make Gilligan’s Island Jokes.
You get it yet? Buy cufflinks!
Welcome to a most likely one time event that I call “Take this answer and stop asking me the same question!” Sure I could just put it in the FAQ but if that worked I wouldn’t get questions about the meaning of life all the time. But you aren’t here to waste my time with that (if you are, then buy some cuffs and I’ll listen to you whine all day).
One of the questions I get all the time, besides whether I live with ponies (Hell no!), is when is the best time to rock the awesome cufflinks that you can get from my website? Well sit right down and I’ll give you a free education in a class I like to call “How not to look like my mother dresses me?” (No apologies if your mother does dress you).
First, you gotta know that cufflinks are made for French cuff shirts. These are the kinds where the cuffs are folded back and fastened together; you could say you link the cuffs with cufflinks.
You are now enlightened.
Do you go to the pub to get wasted after a day at your mind numbing job? Try out these stormtrooper cufflinks as the best way to say you’re making dollars for the man. Wear your finest French cuff shirt with a clean pair of shoes and you’re looking pretty good. At least, if you actually clean your clothes more than once a month. Best part is, you get one black and white stormtrooper to tell the world that it doesn’t matter what race you are, we’re all gonna get shot by a farmboy from Tatooine, or some metaphor I can’t remember.
But what if you’re a boss or supervisor and you wanna head to that same pub. First, invest in a boom box so you can scare the crap outta the stormtrooper guys by blasting the Empire theme…and if you aren’t hearing it in your head right now then I pity you and your deprived childhood. When your underl--- I mean employees turn and look at you, be sure they see you wearing The White Collar Criminals set of cufflinks. If I gotta explain the joke, then you should reread that last paragraph. That’s the one for you.
But let’s say you wanna be traditional, grab a jacket, and wear a set of cufflinks to work. Then try on these bad boys right here; The Golden Musee Rodin set from Bond47. Besides the fact that the solid gold color is a striking addition to whatever the hell you’re wearing, the fact that you could be donating a session of legal aid to an asylum seeker or refugee and their family means that you’re saving the world, and there is jack all classier than that.
So, to answer your question, dummy, Beer after wine, and you’ll feel fine. What’s that? You didn’t ask that?
Too frickin’ bad!
So I had to uppercut a dolphin today.
I was traveling the Sylvan Seaside Shoals of Silverlil (don’t think too hard, you aren’t awesome enough to have heard of it), when I came across Dumbass the Dolphin. Double D flops his fat gray body to block me and claps his dumb flippers all while squeaking at me. He says, “Hey Angry Uni, I heard you’re selling some awesome cufflinks to men. Are you selling skirts for the ladies?”
So, I told him to waddle up to eye level so I could tell him a secret and when he did, BLAU! Uppercut to the chin and I cracked a frickin’ hoof on his dumb face. After that, I got the idea to write a little something that sets the record straight. Pay attention, it’s not hard and costs less than that pizza you were eyeballing for lunch.
I had to smack the fool for thinking that Cufflinks are just for men. That’s about as true as Unicorns not being real. You know what’s abso-freakin-gorgeous? A classy confident woman.
Doesn’t matter if she’s hanging out with friends, going to a business meeting, or enjoying an evening with an SO (That’s significant other, not Sober Otter. Those don’t exist), you get a woman in a sharp outfit decked out in a fine set of cuffs and you’ll get a vision of awesome that’s about two or three steps below an angry unicorn and that’s pretty high on the list.
Take a look at these cufflinks from Bond47. The Victor Hugo inspired design doesn’t need a lot of bells and whistles to look damned good. It’s got a sleek gunmetal and crystal design that goes well with black or dark blue, and is a conversation starter for fans of Hugo’s writing. Really though, isn’t the idea of a fine piece of jewelry like this to draw positive attention from those around, whether associate, business partner, or SO (significant other, not sewage orangutan)?
Maybe you’re looking for something to wear around the office, to snub the idea of idiots like Dumbass Dolphin that says that women can’t rock a set of cufflinks. I suggest the Musee Nissim set, which has a less flashy design but looks no less awesome. Goes well with black or beige suits and you get to fart off giving to the office charity by saying “I got these cuffs and gave a poverty stricken family in India water for half a year. Can the office pool match that?”
Here’s a hint, the answer is HELL NO.
But maybe you wanna chip in to the help an angry unicorn buy a new fence so his magical glade isn’t invaded by live lawn gnomes fund. Then here’s a set of social networking links that I made, for the web 2.0 pioneers you are. Nothing says meta-aware like walking around with a like button reminder on your own wrists.
Gotta go though, Dumbass Dolphin is waking up.